Ethics are worth considering whenever we write about someone other than ourselves, whether it is memoir, poem, or blogpost. This topic of “ethics in memoir” invites a wide range of opinions, so you must discern what works best for you.

One memoirist asks, “Did you ever have a diary with a lock and key? She continues, “I used to think the lock was to protect my secrets. I now understand it was to protect everyone else. …They’re designed to protect the truths of women.”

While there is certainly substance to this argument, for me it comes down to finding a middle ground. It comes down to respect, discernment, and doing the best you can. If there is a balance you can strike, do so.

The following are possible questions and considerations for you to think about:

1. Accuracy

   Factual Truth- photos, letters, government records, documents (like court transcripts)

   Emotional Truth-memories, feelings, beliefs, opinions

   Be sure to present as your own memories, and when in doubt you can say, “As I remember…”, or “According to Grandpa…”

2. Respecting Privacy

   I have been written about in a public forum, only to be surprised to find myself in someone else’s story and told from their interpretation. It did not feel good, but  became a good lesson to inform my own writing.

   While it certainly allows the writer to tell the story more fully and reflect on that relationship, it is also worthwhile to consider:

   Not Everyone Wants to Be in Your Story- and you run the risk of offending others with your words, and If the Person is Dead-consider if your words will affect their reputation, legacy, or other family.

   Remember it is important to establish Boundaries. Include only necessary details that enrich the story, and limit use of names or identifying information.

3. Seeking Permission

   From personal experience, I always ask before publishing. I have had requests to either not be written about, or given a heads-up, and I have honored that.

   Try to give anyone identified in the story the opportunity to read and approve before publishing and if it’s particularly controversial content, you can apparently use a waiver of some kind.

   At the end of the day, it is all subjective. It depends on the story you are telling and the intent of your writing. Only you can decide what works best for your writing.

Here is a link to a poem by my fellow grad student, Porsha Allen. I love that it feels both detached and extremely personal, both haunting and true.

Also, check out “The Ethics of Writing Hard Things in Memoir” by Kelly McMasters.